Grief & "When It's Time for Last Words"
The Directors of the Jonesville Cemetery fully appreciate the journey everyone travels at the time of the loss of a loved one, as their own loved ones rest in this quiet place. We all find comfort and strength in memories, in religious beliefs and traditions, in family members and friends, in professional counselors, and in our own reading.
Grief and Loss (American Association of Retired Persons). Provides lots of details offering emotional, legal, and financial advice. http://www.aarp.org/life/griefandloss/
Children and Grief (American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry). Provides information on how to assist children in grief. http://www.aacap.org/publications/factsfam/grief.htm
Compassionate Friends. Primarily focuses on the loss of a child. Click on Healing the Grieving Heart radio show, left side of homepage. http://www.compassionatefriends.org
Medline Plus (U.S. National Library of Medicine and National Institutes of Health). Provides many links on bereavement, assisting others, and much more. http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/bereavement.html
KIDSAID. This site is especially for children experiencing grief. It is colorful and helpful. http://kidsaid.com/
Comfort from a Child
Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia, once talked about a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child. The winner was:
A four-year-old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman, who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there. When his mother asked him what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy just said, "Nothing. I just helped him cry."
When It’s Time for Last Words
By Ed Hughes
We have all been there or will be. It is a time of sadness, sometimes relief, sometimes a painful outcome of an accident, disease, an act of violence or patriotism. No matter the cause, we must all face our choice of last words.
These are not the last words before our loved ones leave our lives, those “It’s okay to leave”; those last “I love you’s.” Those are painful moments when we realize that nothing can be done to stop the passing of life.The words I am thinking about are the ones on the marker, the gravestone, which marks this spot, this person’s life in the history of humankind.
I have spent months going from stone to stone in the Jonesville Cemetery, reading the names of hundreds of people who were parts of families, members of communities, the doctors, electricians, county workers, waitresses, clerks in stores, ministers, soldiers - - all those who made up a community. Inevitably, a name, such as James Jones, readily connected with history; he ran the Country Store in a small town that bears his name: Jonesville. The name might be remembered by some because the person was the town doctor, or a teacher, or a student who passed away so young. Their names and their place in the community will be known for as long as someone is around to remember them.
For whatever reason, some markers in the cemetery say nothing more than Son, Daughter, Mother, Father. Some believe these stones were placed in the very first days of the cemetery when everyone knew who was interred in this spot and everyone knew who these people were. But we don’t - - the history of our ongoing community does not and will never know this Son, Daughter, Mother or Father. Their uniqueness is missing.
A common format on markers is to include the name, date of birth and passing. However, there are markers with a name, birth date but no passing date, even though in some cases relatives could easily hire an engraver to bring historical closure to this person’s life.
It took me four or five visits to one marker to read the name which time and weather have worn away until the words can only be guessed at as my fingers feel the indentations or the angle of the sun is just right to bring this name, this person, back to life just for that moment. On this day, I met Ira Derby who passed away on July 20, 1864. That’s all I know of him. But I find myself asking, “Who were you, Ira Derby? What did you do? How were you affected by the Civil War?” I don’t have the answers.
Other markers are different. They provide some information to give us a sense of the person’s place in the history of the community: Father of Clifton Park, or nation. New York, Sp 4 US Army, November 25, 1947 – February 10, 1968.
Some tell us the story --the cause-- of the person’s passing: Ambitious, courageous, loving. He dared the wrath of nature on Lake George and lost.
Some provide more information and may even contain an error by the stone engraver in the dates: Son of James and Lois Jones whose death was occasioned by fall from a horse, on the 19th of August, 1819 and died 5th of March 1818 at 17th year of his age.
Others have symbols (such as a weeping willow tree or a cross, a bible or an angel) or signs of love (a pair of entwined wedding rings), occupations (a tractor), interests (such as a football), visuals of the person (a photograph or a laser engraving showing a man and woman celebrating their 50th anniversary).
Some use humor: Here lies the friend of the bloodhound.
Some the person’s last words: Goodbye dear friends, meet me in Heaven [Culver marker, 1867]
Words of appreciation and love: Mom, you thought of us before your own needs...without it all we would not be complete.
Some from the viewpoint of the departed person: My spirit soared upon an eagle’s wings. I am a thousand winds that blow.
And the impact on others: Sue loved, inspired & comforted all.
No matter how hard we tried through our determination, our fortunes or our tears, there was absolutely nothing we could do to extend our loved one’s life. Tomorrow, next year, in 10, 20 or 100 years, someone will stop to read the engraved words on a piece of granite. Except for name and dates, what will we say now on the marker to give life to our loved one when it’s time for last words?
[Ed Hughes is the Vice President of the Jonesville Cemetery in Clifton Park, NY, and wrote this essay to encourage others to make each marker/gravestone a lasting, unique tribute through the words on the stone.]
